Heart-to-Heart: First Love

I was going through my old journal entires and came across this. I wrote this a while back, September 4th, 2010 at 2:49pm to be exact. I think I was doing one of those post-a-day thing where you post a post a day according to a list of things someone had laid out for you to follow. For example, Day 1 was "Introductions" so you basically had to introduce yourself to your followers. Not sure what day "First Love" was but I decided to share with you what I wrote. We all will at one point go through a relationship at least once in our lives that made a mark. One way or another, it will be something you don't ever forget - even years after you've moved on and found happiness in another relationship. Some will be lucky to have their first love be their and also last. Most will probably not have this sort of luck (may be a good or bad thing) but I think your first love will always be the most genuine and innocent kind of love.

First Love

Before I can tell you about my first love, I have to be able to define what love means to me. Over hundreds of years philosophers and psychologists have tried to define the true meaning of love and its difference from lust or infatuation. Love is definitely something that can’t be explained but has to be experienced. Even then those that do experience love may be mistaking it for lust or infatuation. The closest definition to love that I can agree to at least is:

“Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.”

Even with this definition it doesn’t fully encompass all the experiences you go through when you’re in love. So, it’ll just have to do…

To me my first “true love,” someone whom I poured my heart out to and was able to see a future with, is someone I sadly don’t talk to anymore. I don’t want to get into too many details ‘cause that would reveal his identity. I know I’m supposed to but my blog my rules =) He was someone I never thought I’d connect with. We came from “two different worlds” (not the rich and poor, nothing like that. As I said not too much detail.) and it just never occurred to be or crossed my mind that it would ever happen. I don’t remember how or when we clicked exactly but it did happen. I remember falling for him and telling my girls about it. They thought I was a little crazy ‘cause well he was one of those go-get-‘em kind of guys' that seemed too busy to have a girlfriend or even date.

Well time went on we started talking in class more and I found ways to talk to him more, try to get him to notice me aside from his busy day-to-day life. Over time I guess he did notice and began our little “love story.” I guess I was the girl that was on the bleachers, now thinking of T.Swift’s single. I never fell for someone so fast. Once our relationship began, I felt my life unraveling itself. I felt a connection so strong that I never felt before with past boyfriends. He was someone I saw my future with, someone I could imagine having kids with…

I guess its true when people say happiness is short lived because after about two or so months things began to change. Maybe it was me, maybe it was him - whatever the case may be things started going downhill. I began to lose feelings for someone I cared so much for. Little things that added up that probably shouldn’t have matter but somehow did. Life is weird like that… I broke his heart and it hurt me so much too. I know he doesn’t think he mattered enough to me but clearly he did and still does. I remember our kisses even years later now when I’m in another relationship. I still look back sometimes and wonder, “What if?”

I remember our very last kiss and him asking me if I still felt anything for him. I couldn’t help but cry. I knew I still cared for him but for some reason all I was able to do was cry. I just cried and cried. Deep down maybe I did feel something but for some reason I couldn’t find the courage to tell him. I still wonder why I didn’t. Maybe the little things added up and overpowered the feelings? I was young and naive, we don’t think straight at that time in life. I’ll never know now…

It’s been a couple years now and we have both matured in our own ways. We haven’t spoken since that day I told him there wouldn’t be a chance of us getting back together, the day I broke his heart again. He may hate me or simply just doesn’t care.

He’ll never know he was my first love…

We all will at one point go through a relationship at least once in our lives that made a mark. One way or another, it will be something you don't ever forget - even years after you've moved on and found happiness in another relationship. Some will be lucky to have their first love be their and also last. Most will probably not have this sort of luck (may be a good or bad thing) but I think your first love will always be the most genuine and innocent kind of love. 

Do you still remember your first love? Share your stories if you care, I'd love to read them! (I'm a sap at heart =P)
As always, Read. Comment. Share. Follow. <3

-Karennn